someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
