I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
