Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
