i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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