How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
