When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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