i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Let's paint friendship bongs
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
