I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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