My liver just broke up with me...
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
