hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
