the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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