I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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