i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i've created a new STD.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
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