So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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