nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
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