shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You ate ashes out of my bong
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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