i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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