Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
