He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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