i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
