I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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