I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
you never un-have a 4some
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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