My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
i think my cat just said my name.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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