birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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