Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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