I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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