Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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