if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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