I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
