it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
