I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
