WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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