i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
