i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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