My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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