I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
