I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
