the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
