dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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