3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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