I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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