dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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