I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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