Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
