I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
