The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize