I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
