my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
