lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
