just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
i think we sleep fucked last night...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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