She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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