he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
