I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
