Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
