Got a toothbrush?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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