My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
