she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
