I think im going to throw up on grandma
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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